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Monday, April 28, 2008

Julia: I get a little real.

It hurts like a son of a bitch.

To feel inadequate, inferior, or less-than, so to speak, is arguably the worst pain that exists. Or at least in the top five worst. It’s a blow to one’s ego to the umpteenth degree. It spawns many pains. It’s the granddaddy of feelings of shittiness, for lack of a better word. Strike that; shittiness is a fine word. It fulfills the requirements of the negative feelings I was trying to portray. It’s what the Spanish call una maldiciĆ³n, granted… but it’s fine. Just fine.

Anyway, why does one strive to be a better person? What is the motivation behind one’s gumption? And, on that note, who defines what kind of person you are as compared to the “better” one they’d like to see you be? Maybe I’m just fine. Maybe you’re just fine. Maybe, just maybe, we’re all just fine, as we are. Maybe we shouldn’t change a damn thing. It’s fine. Just fine.

But it’s not really all fine, is it? And furthermore, who really wants everything to be fine? Wouldn’t they rather it all to be great? Fine is better than crappy, great is better than fine… if I recall the scale of quality correctly.

Are you running when you change? What are you running from?

“You’ve changed.”

This pisses everyone off when provided for a reason that people have parted ways. But it shouldn’t. If right now, at the age of sixteen, I didn’t change for the rest of my life… well, that would be terrible. I don’t think I’ve got it all figured out now and nor do I pretend to. I want to change, I need to change. And always keep changing.

But, to battle with semantics, “you’ve changed,” still isn’t fair. No, I did not change. No, you did not change. We’re growing up and finding ourselves. We’ve all been a little lost, and now we have to try to be a little found. Just a little, not completely. Unless I die tomorrow, which I very well may do if I’m unwittingly standing in front of a bus or crushed by something larger and stronger than I am, I’ve got time to be found. Not all at once, but not all for later, either. That’s life, baby.

I’m combating so many things as a relatively young girl. I’m combating the conformity, gossip, self-indulgence, selfishness, catty trivialities, cruelty, gluttony, laziness, temptation, media, lust, greed, envy, pride, humility, and so much more. And I’m not the only one battling these vices of teenage years and beyond; we all are. Whether cognitive or not, we are always on the verge of loosing the small bit of ourselves we have; and some people give in. Many do.

The sad part is that we are both the predators and the prey. At the exact same time that we loose ourselves, we steal bits of other people. I’m not talking about taking peer characteristics and adopting them as your own. I mean to say that we are the reason we loose ourselves and each other. We contribute to the vortex of misery; often just by being miserable ourselves. It’s unintentional, yes. But it still exists just as much as it would were if cognizant. We all kill each other. We’re all to blame.

Seven Deadly Sins:

Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, Pride

Seven Virtues, which correspond (respectively) inversely to each of the Seven Deadly Sins:

Chastity, Temperance, Charity, Diligence, Patience, Kindness, Humility

It is a battle of good virtues and evil vices. I think that we’re fighting a losing battle, but that apparently didn’t stop the Spartans, huh?



1 comment:

Anonymous said...

write a fucking book. seriously. you just put everything i've felt in the last year in words.