You see that banner I've uploaded below the IC label that says 'Purpose for the Pain'? Well, it's a journal by Renee Yoha and it's endorsed by To Write Love on Her Arms (twloha.com), which is an organization initiated in her name. I haven't read it yet, but I intend to. And although I have not yet read it, I have a pretty good idea as to what its content holds.
We all have pain, some people in greater numbers. And we all have our own ways of dealing with that pain. But pain for pain's sake seems cruel and useless. Only when you find a purpose for your pain, something that's worth all the bad, does your life take on a meaning. If the pain is in a name or a cause or even a person then it's not pain to be regretted.
I want that, too. I want a purpose for my pain. I feel all of this shit and I want it to make sense, for it to seem less cruel. I think I need that to be able to go on. Sometimes it just gets so hard and it seems too hard and I feel like I can't take it. It's a task for me to get out of bed and face a day that I already know will defeat me. And I feel dejected. I want to make bad decisions and act in a self-destructive manner because for me, none of my pain makes any sense. None of it does anyone any good, least of all me. At these times I am my weakest. At these times I am most vulnerable.
That was pretty much the extent of how my day went. Another day defeated me and something told me that I'm in danger of slipping below the radar. Oh, how I don't want that! No one wants that.
One of the three.