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Sunday, August 17, 2008

Julia: We All Have These


Today was a bad day.  A really bad day.  I woke up this morning and I was scared that it would be a bad day.  And then I was mad that I was right; that’s how bad the day was.  It sucked.  Nothing went right.  No one seemed right.  I didn’t feel right.  It was one of those days.  The ones that you’d probably rather be prosecuted in court for witchcraft in 1690s Salem than keep on keeping on to see if tomorrow is better or just as sucky.  The ones that rob you of any remaining will you had from the last really bad day right out of your soul.  And at the end of the day, your sources feel totally depleted.  

All the sucky wrongness of the day exhausts the hell out of you and there’s no energy left to contemplate dealing with the consequences tomorrow or what part you contributed to the vortex of shit that was that day.  There’s no energy to think of what you might have done wrong.  There’s no energy to think of how to make things right.  There might be a teensy bit of energy left to begin plotting revenge against other wrong-doers of the day, but not if that means that you have to exert yourself physically or mentally in any way (revenge-plotting comes rather easily to some people—like me).

And sometimes, when I have days as bad as these, I start to feel somewhat suffocated in the sense that I want out of the current circumstances of my life but am resignedly devoid of the ability to escape them.  I start to feel like I need to just get the hell out.  And right now.  Like I’m losing control; like I’m no longer the captain of my own ship.

That is the worst feeling.  Ever.  It can drive you to do crazy things.  It can take you to an undeveloped place most people wouldn’t care to be.  Insanity takes over and you do things you don’t like and say things you don’t mean.  You do these things just to prove that you can.  To prove that you are the captain of your ship and that means that you can run it in to the ground if you’d very well please.  And the worst part is: it mostly just hurts yourself.  And after the bad day… you guessed it: only you are left to pick up the pieces.  It’s self destructive and it’s ugly.

It was a pretty bad day today.

I hope tomorrow is better.



PS. Regarding tomorrow: it will be better.

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